My Guide to Socially Respectable Behavior: Part 1, Restaurants

The purpose of this fictional guide is pretty much to vent since the people who read my blog are not the people who really need to read my blog-those who do need to read it: the Highland Mommys. I am fine, I promise, although should ever send you desperate messages begging you to come see me at work between the hours of 10 and 4 I probably being a server and probably really really really need to see a friendly face and possibly need a hug .

1. Do not ask your server any variation of the following: where she goes to high school(when she in fact will be a jr in college,) or ask her why she is working on a school day (not a problem since most schools are out for summer) proceed to tell her that she simply looks too young to be a 20 yr old and ask her either what her secret is, or jokingly if you can see her ID when she probably doesn't like being carded when she really needs to be (buying dry ice, what were you thinking?) and she probably doesn't like being carded now, and is therefore most likely theoretically planning something that would make Tyler Durden proud, or your order might even become lost in the intricate workings of our one-chiefed kitchen (gasp).
2. When your server asks you if there is anything else she can do to make your meal even more lovely than it is already, and you look at her with a look that says "I'm about to say something" even though you don't say anything, she's not going to wait 5 minutes for you to spill. If you have something you'd like, tell her when she asks you-not when she is either walking away or talking to another table-preferably one who knows how to talk to people.
3. If ever you should require a sugar caddy it is not socially permissible to put the empty sugar wrappers back in the caddy. Would you like it if I came into your house, drank your milk and had some awful excuse as to why I wouldn't throw the empty carton away? The same rule applies. If the mess bothers you (I would want to ask why you used so many sugar packets in the first place but we'll ignore the obvious for politeness sake) then kindly ask your server to take care of them for you-trust me, she would rather do that than have another table look at her like she's incompetent later because she didn't realize you put 7 packets of sweet 'n' low in your 4 oz ice tea.
4. Don't mess with people who handle your food. They deserve your respect just as much as the next guy, probably more if you know what I mean.
5. If your bill is anything over $5, a $1 tip is a big slap in the face no matter where you eat. You're not paying tithing on your meal, you're giving gratuity. If you plan on being a regular plan on something more than 10%
6. Guys, let the girls order first. That's how most if not all servers are trained to take meal orders, and you know what? The girls kinda like it. I'll even let you in on a little secret here, ordering first does not ensure you get your food any faster than if your mother, sister, wife, girlfriend goes first.