I am not a Princess Buttercup although I will occasionally call people buttercup

I will sound like a cry baby in this post, but I'm trying to practice this communication thing,  as a way of processing my emotions and thoughts. Don't be scared. Ok be a little weirded out that I'm sharing feelings and stuff. But just don't worry about me, ok? And yes, I know it's not grammatically correct. but I don't always think in proper punctuation and sentence structure. Who knows, by sharing this maybe you and I might find we have something in common?

You know the part in A Princess Bride where the grandpa is telling Joseph Gordon-Levitt  about how the ship that Westley sailed away on was taken over by the Dread Pirate Roberts (is there and s? I can't remember) and how he most certainly had died, and how emptiness that Buttercup felt after hearing the bad news consumed her?

Well sometimes I feel like that. Not that I ever had a Buttercup-Westley type romance "Life isn't life without you" and whatnot, neither have I any reason to claim or feel any sort of comparable emptiness in my life when I have been so blessed already and I have most definitely been blessed to have so many remarkable people come into my life. sadly some have left. and some days that emptiness surprises me that it's still there lurking around the corner. that scares me because I don't want to be ruled by that emptiness and I don't want it to ruin or affect relationships that I have with those around me. (want to know something strange? now that I think about it, that emptiness was there even before people had left, the leaving just seemed to magnify it-make it harder to avoid).

I know I have a choice, to stop the loneliness and believe me I fight for that right to choose to leave the lurking pest where it hides. the fight is just easier some days, weeks or months (who started singing the "Friends" theme song in his or her head?) than other spaces of time and it's so stinking easy to feel defeated but I know that there's a hope that it won't always be like this. This hope had been a driving force for me lately when everything else seemed to crash down around me "keep going," the hope seemed to say, "you won't feel like this forever" the best way I can put to words what the driving hope feeling is like.

Tonight as I crawl into bed I'll be a baby and let the emotions flood over me because "feeling is good emotions are good" or so I'm told, sometimes I don't know but I trust those who tell me so I'll borrow their faith on this. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up, get myself out of bed and do the things that I need to do and maybe a little more--just to feel I've done something worthwhile with my day and pretend that the emptiness isn't looming over my head. I'll busy myself with life and friends and repeat the mantra if you're not busy being born you're dying (thank you bob dylan-I think, correct me if I'm wrong) until I believe I'm going somewhere, until I believe that I can be happy along the journey to wherever it is I'm going and that I'll be happy when I get there, until I realize that despite the emptiness I'm going to be ok.